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Enfant · Mel


...a diary of dreams, delights, and deep thoughts

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(The reason why becomes clear at around 1:50...)

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A - Age: 41 (but sometimes in the 1-3 range)
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: So many to choose! Random selection: folding laundry
D - Dogs' names: None presently
E - Essential start your day item: Kiss
F - Favorite color: Blue, usually
G - Gold or Silver, or both: Whatever
H - Height: 6'3"
I - Instruments you play: Harmonica, guitar, bass, dulcimer, some piano
J - Job title: Software engineer
K - Kid(s): A 7yo son
L - Living arrangements: Pretty blue suburban house with wife and kid
M - Mom's name: "Mom"
N - Nicknames: Moose, Mel
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: ear tubes and a tonsillectomy, both when I was 4. Also slept on cots in hospital rooms when my wife had her C-section and my son had his appendectomy
P - Pet Peeve: When I put both of my middle names on a form and some bureaucrat decides to drop one of them, like I'd included the second one by mistake or something
Q - Quote from a movie: "Have fun storming the castle!"
R - Right or Left: handed:right; wing:left
S - Siblings: 2 brothers, 1 sister
T - Time you wake up: 7:30 usually
U - Underwear: Depends! (Ha ha. Actually I far prefer other brands, or cloth diapers, and most of the time I'm just wearing jockeys.)
V - Vegetable you dislike: Lima beans
W - Ways you run late: Oversleeping, or getting distracted by the computer
X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, broken arm, sprained wrists and ankles, abdomen
Y - Yummy food you make: Thanksgiving
Z - Zoo/favorite animal: Gibbons are fun to watch
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One day in 1992, my wife (we'd been married about six months) called me at work at around 11 AM and said, "Sweetie, you should come home for lunch today."

"Okay. Why?"

"Just... trust me on this."

So, at noon I drove home, wondering what was up, and she had lunch waiting for me on a tray on the living room floor. She sat me down to eat, picked up the remote control, and hit Play on the VCR, and a pretty girl was on the TV screen, wearing nothing but a diaper below the waist, uncomfortably but bravely explaining her fetish to some dumb-ass interviewer I'd never heard of before named Jerry Springer. My wife never watched talk shows, but she'd randomly flipped channels at just the right moment, caught the beginning of this one, and immediately started taping it for me.

Some of the show was stupid. There was one guy on who was either an idiot or he'd been lied to about what the panel was discussing (or most likely, both). He kept vociferously arguing against things no one else was advocating--clearly the producers had only put this guy on the show because they wanted a fight to break out. But most of the guests were fine, and that girl at the beginning, as nervous as she obviously was, just knocked my socks off with her composure and grace. (I've always kinda wished I could meet her and tell her so.) Other guests included Tommy from DPF, and the late HeidiLynn.

I still have the tape somewhere, but it's been years since I watched it. But then yesterday I found out that the show has been put online, right here!

We've sure come a long way since then. The web existed in 1992 but hardly anyone had heard of it. alt.sex.fetish.diapers didn't exist yet, even the #dpf IRC group hadn't started up by then. So many people still thought they were completely alone in the world. That show must have done a lot of people a lot of good, even with the idiotic parts. It was very nice to see it again.

(Except for the 1992 hairstyles. In God's name, what were we all thinking?)
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I've been under a lot of strain this past past week, for various reasons too boring to get into.

I've noticed a pattern in myself at times of major stress... I turn into a bit of a control freak, and get taciturn and withdrawn. I'm utterly uninterested in being playful or silly or sexual or anything. Kind of a jerk, actually.

Then, sometimes, if the stressful period goes on for too long, I'll get rather childish, not entirely in a good way. Part of me wants to change into a diaper and baby out, and the other part of me is still being controlling and doesn't want to admit that I want any such thing. So I don't act on the desire. I sometimes even, very stupidly, start to feel resentment toward my wife for not somehow reading my mind and knowing what I want and making me wear a diaper, and get very whiny and annoying. (In really extreme stress situations, like after my father died or when my wife first got pregnant with our child, it's gone so far that I actually lost control momentarily and regressed--like the baby side of me saying yes, you WILL pay attention to me, RIGHT NOW. One time I even had a public wetting accident.)

Of course, nothing like that's happening to me this week. I'm completely in control.

So a little while ago I was reading a post on dailydiapers, and a woman AB was saying that when she's dropping into little mode and she needs to let her partner know but doesn't feel able to say so verbally, she'll suck her thumb (or, in public, bite the tip of her thumb) as a signal. And I was thinking that I'm not really like that. And then suddenly I noticed the position I was sitting in at that very moment... laptop on my lap, right hand on the trackpad, tip of my left thumb in my mouth. I have no idea how long I'd been sitting that way!

It's interesting to realize I can regress in subtle ways without noticing it.

I think I should mention this to mommy so she can watch for it in the future. :)

I also think I should probably go get a diaper on and nip this stupid cycle in the bud.
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I was having fun and wasting a little time with this "Create A South Park Character" toy I found online. The character I came up with for myself didn't quite capture the true inner me, though, so I had to do a bit of extra tweaking...

Update: hmm... maybe just a little more tweaking...

Mood:
amused amused
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Over on the dailydiapers board, I posted something today that I thought I might expand on and crosspost here.

Someone had mentioned that his girlfriend was perfectly accepting of his interests, and even willing to participate with him... but it wasn't working for him, because he had these overwhelming feelings of self-consciousness. It reminded me of how my wife helped me start to get over my old feelings of shame, back when we'd only been married a few years....

Into the wayback machine, Sherman!Collapse )
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Today I told babymako about a dream I had a while back, and he asked if he could post to LJ about it. I said sure, go ahead. But then it occurred to me that there wasn't any reason I couldn't post about it too...


A month or so ago, I had a very pleasant dream in which my wife and I were going to visit another couple at their home for dinner. The couple wasn't anyone we know in real life, but in the dream they were good friends of ours, and we were greatly looking forward to the evening. We got dressed up in our nice clothes, went to our friends' house and rang the bell, and they came to the door and let us in. It was all very normal.

But then after all the handshakes and greetings and smalltalk had passed, and I was expecting some friendly pre-dinner conversation to ensue, suddenly the woman we were visiting turned to me and her partner, and said, "Okay, boys, go play!"

It was like she'd cast a magic spell on us with those words. Something changed... for the first moment I was just hyper-alert, not sure what was going to happen. Then the other man - if that's the word - let out a high-pitched, toddlerish giggle, and he turned and scampered gleefully out of the room. And the sight and sound of him doing that triggered me as well: I became instantly, overwhelmingly, joyously childish, and ran off after him, laughing in just the same way, leaving the two mommies behind to chat. I followed him to a bedroom that had been converted into a toddler playroom, full of legos, play-doh, crayons, coloring books - everything. We went in and played together for what seemed like hours, showing each other things we'd made or done, and laughing happily at each other's company, without a single grown-up thought in either of our heads. I'd never felt like this before.

I remember that after a while I was lying on my belly, legs bent at the knees and feet waving in the air, coloring with crayons in a book on the floor in front of me, and I forgot that I wasn't wearing a diaper, and started to wet. Almost immediately, I caught myself - ohmigod! - and snapped back into a grownup headspace. I sat up to survey the damage, and started fretting about what my wife would say when she saw the wet stain on my pants. But, the room was so childish... and the regressive pull was so strong... and there were still so many fun toys to play with... and it made it awfully hard to think about all that silly big-person stuff. I felt my bladder open back up and start to empty again, and again I tried to stop the flow, but I was having a really hard time remembering why that was important... it started again, and I stopped it again, but every time I was finding it more confusing... and then I couldn't seem to remember how to make it stop anymore... and pretty soon my pants were soaked. I vaguely knew that was a bad thing and was trying to remember why, or whether there was anything I should do about it... but then, it all just seemed so unimportant, and then I completely forgot about it and went back to coloring without a single care in the world.

When dinner was ready, our mommies came in to get us, and I remember looking up at my wife as she looked down at me and said, "Oh, Mel, did you forget to go potty?" And my friend's mommy was smirking down at me from behind her. And I felt embarrassed, but not really that embarrassed, because I knew no one would really blame me for what I'd done. I was safe.

I wish the dream had gone on longer - I can see in my mind how it might have played out (the other mommy offering my wife a diaper to change me into, since we foolishly hadn't brought any of our own... the dinner party proceeding with me in diapers but no pants...) - but unfortunately, that's when the alarm went off.

It was one of the most delightful dreams I've had in years.

And it was only later that I realized the other baby looked exactly like babymako does in his icon picture.

So, thanks, Mako... dream-you is a very fun playmate!

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